**TW: Domestic Violence, Abuse, Trauma, and Substance Abuse**
Abusers. Monsters. Cowards. So many different words with the same definition.
What makes someone an abuser? Surely, they must be easy to spot right? You would know if someone in your life treated those who love them like shit, right? Not likely.
I think we have this misconception of abusers. That they’re some outright violent criminal. While some abusers will also act violent toward other men, and subsequently have a record, I wouldn’t exactly call that the norm. Most abusers like the secrecy of it all. They get off on it even. They get off on knowing that they’ve managed to trick everyone around them into believing they’re of some high moral standing. They’re not.
“He’s never hit me,” you say. But all the signs are there.
He walks from one side of the room to the other, pacing, fists clenched. Eyes narrowing as he glares in your direction. His voice booming through your ears. It’s coming. He will come for you, just as he has those before you.
But here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter if he puts hands on you; abuse consists of many other . He’s likely already doing it.
You clock out of work and rush home, you want to stop by a shop and look for some new shoes, but you don’t. It’ll just be one more thing that he’ll question you on. If you don’t find the shoes you want, and come home with a receipt, you’ll spend the night convincing him you weren’t out sleeping around. It’s not worth it.
He continuously puts doubt in your head about the people who you trust. He’ll convince you they don’t really care for you, nor do they want the best for you. Only he does. Everyone else isn’t good for you – When they confront you about the concerns they see in your relationship, he’ll insist it’s just because they’re jealous of the love you share… Maybe they are – he promises, he’ll love you better. He’ll force you to choose between your family, friends, and himself, time and time again… until you’re no longer provided with the option. When you push people away enough, they leave on their own accord.
You had a long day at work. You breathe heavy as you open the door to your house, ready to do your nightly duties: help with homework, cook dinner, clean, and put the kids to bed. You’re running on empty, and instead of staying up to switch over the laundry, you head to bed to catch up on rest. You’re only getting 6 hours of sleep, but that’s better than the 4 the previous nights. Your husband wakes up, furious he can’t find his favorite t-shirt. It’s one of the few items still wet in the wash. “You’re lazy. I can’t even count on you to do my laundry. What a fucking waste of space you are,” he huffs as he puts on one of the closet full of clean shirts he has.
He gets off on humiliating you. You feel lucky because he invites you out with his friends and their girlfriends. You finally feel included. Until he gets drunk that is… then you’re just the butt of all his jokes. He picks on you gaining weight (like you didn’t just pop out babies for him). He slaps your ass hard, even though he’s well aware how uncomfortable that makes you in public. He brings up old arguments you’ve had, just edging at a fight. The night you were oh so looking forward to, has quickly soured.
Small miniscule moments become monumental to him. You pull into the drive and see he’s arrived home before you. Your body goes into fight vs flight mode before even seeing him… He was on edge before leaving for work. If anything set him off there, you’re in for it. You brace yourself, knowing the rest of the night you’ll be walking on eggshells. You need to talk to him about something important, but it can wait. He’s in a mood, you don’t want to push it.
You have something to discuss with him, and you wish so badly it could be done with a normal style of communication. You know it’s bound to be blown out of proportion. He tells you “you make me so mad sometimes. I just want to smack the shit out of you.” But it’s okay. He never actually has.
You have such a great relationship, and it’s everything you ever wanted… when he’s not drinking. But the problem is, he’s always drinking. “He can change,” you tell yourself, and truly believe it. You hold out hope for that sliver of good that you’ve seen in him. You stay by his side as you watch the amount of time he spends sober, dwindle to nothing. But you stay… because he’s a good man, when he’s sober.
You’ve realized things aren’t going to get better, and they’re bad more often than they’re good. You break the news to him, in the gentlest way you can. Initially he tells you that he “can’t live without you.” You’re terrified. You just want to be happy… you don’t want him to kill himself. So, you stay. Again, you’re fed up and you try to leave again. Only for him to threaten, “if I can’t have you, no one can.”
I hope I’m providing you with just a sliver of insight. If only all abuse were so obvious as a black eye, maybe more of us could be saved. Maybe more of us wouldn’t end up dead.
That’s the thing. A tragedy will occur and you’ll hear things like… “I don’t get it…. I didn’t think he was abusive… I never saw her with black eyes or anything.” That’s the fucking point. If he made it blatantly obvious, people would be more likely to step in. Instead, he will torment her with his words and actions until she’s completely fucking broken. And even when physical abuse does occur, it doesn’t always result in obvious marks.
For example: when I was dating Max, he assaulted me on my birthday when we were out of town. I was unable to get online much of the next day, and he blasted all over Facebook that he didn’t assault me and blah, blah, fucking blah. Never mind there were several witnesses, he didn’t do it. I spent hours getting ready the following night to go out drinking, to brush it all off (and to escape my apartment, because I was scared for my life). Sadly, concealing bruises had become a talent. I wasn’t at the bar more than a half hour before some drunk chick said to me, “you don’t look like you got your ass beat.” Meanwhile I was drinking a pint of beer as I couldn’t suck a mixed drink out of a straw due to the inside of my mouth being cut open. Moral of the story: don’t judge, and perhaps… shut your mouth Karen!
Abusers manipulate EVERYONE. Jesus, look at Ted Bundy. I could give you a million and a half examples. I sit watching true crime documentaries, screaming at the TV. This is a repeated incidence of people being CLUELESS.
If you’re in a relationship and the above scenarios at all felt familiar, read the following characteristics, and ask yourself if any of them apply. They’re characteristics common of abusers.
- They act like you’ve hurt their feelings or are insulted, when truthfully, they’re actually angry. They are angry because that’s their reaction to incidents big or small.
- At the start of a relationship, they show signs of jealously, which they attribute to love. It isn’t especially in access. Jealously has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with control.
- When you got with your partner you had a strong support system which consisted of friends and family. Now you find yourself more alone than ever, as they’ve accused those close to you as people who are “causing trouble” (likely to them expressing concern).
- They’re insecure and have a poor self-image (which they should, because they’re little bitches).
- Their problems are everyone else’s fault. Lack of accountability is huge with abusers.
- They refuse to take ownership of their feelings. It’s always YOU who made them feel XY&Z way. “YOU hurt me by doing ____” … “I can’t help but be angry when YOU ___” … “YOU make me so mad!” It’s not an apology if they’re not taking ownership.
- They have grown up in a household where violence was a norm. THEIR TRAUMA DOES NOT EXCUSE THEIR BEHAVIOR.
- They lack the ability to cope with their emotions. Instead of therapy, medicine, or other methods, they turn to self-medicating through drug or alcohol abuse.
- They have a preoccupation with weapons for no particular reason. IE: they don’t live in a dangerous area, nor do they use them for hunting purposes.
- Every time a situation occurs with another person, they quickly turn to aggression instead of communication. “Beating their ass,” is always at the forefront of their brain.
- They might not have ever hit you, but during arguments they’ve put holes in the walls, broke down doors, or broke household items.
- In arguments they get physical: restrain, shove, punch, kick, choke, etc.
- When angry they verbally threaten you and try to normalize it in ways like, “everyone says that shit when they’re mad. Making statements such as “I’ll kill you,” and “I’ll break your neck,” should not be written off as the norm. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
- Are very anti-feminist agenda. They will hold rigid beliefs on the roles of men and women. They see men as being superior to women, and women as only having worth in connection with a partner.
- Excessive control over your life. At first it might be things that you excuse, but it’ll get to the point where you’re not allowed to make personal decisions. IE: feel fearful to make a decision without his permission.
- Lacks the ability to express himself in a healthy manner, so instead he acts out.
- It is typical for an abuser to move in with their battered partner less than six months after dating. Additionally, many become engaged in that time frame. They’re quick to jump into seriousness within a relationship.
- An abuser will claim that if you’re in love with them, they should be all you need, and reffverse. You shouldn’t need friends or family, or anyone else. This is an unrealistic expectation that they’re asking you to fulfill.
- Their sexual desires tend to center around you being helpless, or they will be forceful in a “playful” manner. Their porn searches are also indicative of this type of thought.
- They tend to downplay your accomplishments, humiliate and degrade you, or are intentionally cruel. People with low self-esteem are easier to control.
- May have mood swings that range from nice and pleasant one minute, to explosive the next. Men who are abusive are unpredictable… but explosiveness and mood swings are typical attributes they hold.
- Abusers often have a history of battering others in the past. They will make claims about their previous victim, such as they’re a liar… or that’s not how it happened… or even that they “asked for it.” Do not fall for these claims- an abuser will beat someone whether they’re on their best behavior or not… their actions are far from situational.
This website is a good resource if you’re looking for more specifics on this. If you’re concerned that you’re in an abusive relationship, or maybe you’ve noticed some behaviors that border on abusive, and have questions… Please reach out! I’m happy to talk to anyone and everyone who needs help seeing the light. Chances are if you felt something while reading this, you’re a victim.
And if you’re reading this and don’t personally relate, let it sit in your brain. There will be a time when someone you admire is accused of something horrible. Believe their accuser. People are not what they seem– abusers are master manipulators. We all want to think we have the ability to cut through the bullshit, and that’s half the reason so many monsters exist.
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Hollow Company: A Memoir of Survival 