TW: Abuse, Violence, Sexual Assault
There were mornings I woke up, and I could feel it coming. Every cell in my body knew danger was on the way. After a while, you start to recognize the pattern — It’s obvious. Sometimes the period between the different stages would draw out longer than others, but one thing is for sure… that other stage is just around the corner, right on schedule.
The cycle of abuse consists of 4 steps: Build-up, Act Out, Rationalize/Justify, and Pretend Normal.
After reading the above cycles, some of you might immediately understood what they mean, but some of you might require more explanation. For everyone’s sake, I’ll elaborate further.
What am I talking about? The stages in the cycle of abuse. When I was in an abusive relationship with “Nate,” I didn’t know the cycle of abuse was a thing, but I sure the fuck felt it. The buildup. The letdown. Always. Coming. And Going. And coming again. It’s like when you’re awaken by an earthquake, you know the aftershock is coming. You brace yourself for it. Anxiety so strong it makes you sick.
Build Up
You know when you’re feeling the stress, and you don’t do anything to relieve it, so it just builds, and builds, until you finally break? That’s what this stage is always about. Stress building in the abuser, and their only coping skill for relieving the stress is lashing out. When abusers are feeling the heavy weight of life, they often feel powerless. Acting out is a way for them to create a sense of power for themselves. Abusers typically lash out at their victims verbally, at least at first. It isn’t common they go straight for the jugular off the bat. For some, the verbal lashing doesn’t register as severe, or even a red flag. I call these individuals “fixers.” I know, because I am one.
Fixers just want to help the abuser through whatever it is that’s causing them stress. We will seek out ways to lessen the stress in their life, and bend over backwards to keep the tension low. Many victims report feeling like they’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict.
Ask yourself: Have you ever tried to avoid speaking to your partner because it appeared that it “wasn’t a good time?” Or, have you found yourself constantly trying to lessen the tension, and not bringing up something that’s bothering you, just to keep the peace?
Act Out
This stage is the explosive stage. This is where a lot of the harm actually occurs. The abuser will “explode” on the victim in ways that include extreme verbal abuse, berating, and threats of physical or sexual harm. Many times, these threats morph into reality. This stage can either be short lived, or can continue for some time, with instances reoccurring. Again, this is a way for the abuser to regain control and power within the relationship. They do this purposely, with the goal of hurting or humiliating their victim.
Ask yourself: has your significant other ever made threats to become physical with you when they snapped? “You’re pissing me off so bad. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll knock you out of that chair.” “You’re lucky I don’t punch you right in your smart-ass mouth.”
Rationalize/Justify
During this stage the abuser will often minimalize what has occurred. If you’re familiar with the term gaslighting, this is a PERFECT example. The abuser will rarely take accountability for their actions, and worse, will place the blame on someone else, including the victim. They will say things like, “if you would just listen to me, this wouldn’t happen!” or “you know that shit pisses me off, you just wanted me to snap.”
When the abuser flips the blame onto another person, and refuses to take responsibility, it makes them feel better about themselves. They will often attempt to distort the victim’s memory of what occurred. Power struggle also comes into play during this stage. Victims will feel powerless to argue about what transpired, and as a result, will begin to doubt what they actually experienced. It isn’t unlikely for a victim to ultimately believe the abuser’s claims about the incident.
Ask yourself: has there ever been a time when you remembered an incident occurring one way, but the person who was painted badly attempted to distort your memory of what happened? This can range from someone stating, “I never said that. You’re making stuff up,” to “I didn’t break that. You must be remembering it wrong. I wouldn’t do that.”
Pretend Normal
This stage is a son of a bitch. This stage is personally what always got me hooked back in. This stage is where the “I’m sorry!” occurs, for those who can’t deny their actions due to police involvement for example. At first you will be pissed at your abuser, and rightfully so… but as time passes, and apologies are made, you start to reflect on all the good moments you shared, and ignore the bad.
You miss the person you know they HAVE been in the past. You hold out hope that they will return to that person, because after all, they said they would. Maybe you drop your order of protection, or charges you pressed. Maybe you allow them to move back in.
So, what do you do now? You try to play normal. Push the thoughts of what occurred to the wayside and try to move forward. The problem with this is, ignored behavior will be repeated behavior. If the abuse is not dealt with, this cycle WILL continue. If you’ve read this far, shaking your head with familiarity, you too know this in your heart. Each time the cycle repeats the threat grows, and the assaults become more serious.
By the time the cycle has repeated a few times, you might feel alone, because you kind of are. In the middle of all this madness, you’ve become isolated from family and friends (his intention, but not yours). Maybe you vented to them about his behaviors before… But then you took him back. Now you’re embarrassed, because you know it wasn’t a smart choice. Maybe he has you convinced they’re jealous of what you have. Or maybe he’s demanded you cease contact because they’re always “talking shit about him.”
Ask yourself: Has he ever made promises for change that he didn’t follow through with? He will walk away when he gets mad? He will go to anger management? He will try couples therapy? or the ever so vague, “I’ll change!”
So, what can you do?
Take this information as a learning tool. Look within your relationship. Are these stages present? Can you think of an instance that would fit in these categories? Can you think of multiple? I’m going to be blunt. YOU NEED TO WORK ON A WAY TO GET THE HELL OUT. If nothing is changing in this cycle, it’s going to continue. But it can’t continue with you if you remove yourself.
Look into your social supports—who has been there for you in the past? Even if the relationship is strained now, I guarantee they still care for your safety and well-being. Create a safety plan that highlights exactly what you will do when they get to the “act out stage.” Involve law enforcement. Make a statement, press charges, and/or get an order of protection. Ask them to escort when you get your belongings. Move to a safe house and utilize a domestic advocate. Get a divorce, go to family court, use a third party to transport the children to visits. Whatever you need to do to escape this cycle, do it.
I know that there will be barriers. It’s not realistic to think everyone can just say, “peace, get the fuck out,” and that is that. But what you can do is plan. You can save. You can reach out. Do anything besides what you’ve been doing. Because YOU DESERVE MORE. I know they’ve convinced you otherwise, but you do. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to feel treated with respect and kindness.
This monster has made enough false promises, and you’ve given him enough tries to get it right. Now’s time to eliminate him from the equation. YOU WILL MAKE IT RIGHT. You are strong. You are capable. You’re a bad bitch, and you can and will thrive without his dead weight holding you down.
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I will also be updating the resources portion of my blog shortly. In the meantime, Google some resources, and don’t forget to clear your browser history if you do! If you’re in immediate danger, please dial 911.
Source: Click here
Disclaimer: there are MANY different versions of the “cycle of abuse” but all contain the same behaviors in the same order. Some wheels show different names, or lump/further break down the above stages. Which one you choose to zone in on makes no difference.
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