Childhood Trauma is the Bitch of all Bitches

Childhood trauma seems to be sort of a buzz term these days, and hell, it should be! As a Social Worker I see it everyday. The immediate and long term effects would blow. your. mind. But I’m all about blowing minds so … carry on.

So, why am I specifically talking about it today? Because I think it’s important to recognize the part childhood trauma plays in abusive relationships. 

Okay but howwww exactly?? 

Picture this… You’re a little girl, and your father, who‘s your first male figure in your life, receives all your love despite his flaws. He speaks negatively to your mother, talks poorly about her to you, often makes her and other family members cry, at times becomes physical with your mother, and uses excessive physical punishment when you’re bad. 

Your mom is terrified of him and walks on eggshells. She tells you and the other kids to “be good because daddy isn’t in a good mood.” Mom has tried to leave daddy several times, but they stay together “for the sake of kids.” You often overhear them getting into verbal disagreements, which at times become physical. You observe your mom with black eyes, and notice new holes appearing within the walls of your home. 

The Effect 

Here’s the thing, as humans we learn shit without even realizing it. As a little girl your view of the male/female roles in relationships as well as power dynamics, and the definition of normal relationships are being influenced by the environment you’re in. 

Without even realizing it, this type of relationship dynamic likely has been normalized in your brain. One of the worst things about this is you will normalize warning signs, or “red flags” that pop up in your own relationships. 

For example, when a man tells you he expects you to be a submissive partner, you may not immediately recognize it as a controlling behavior, but rather a standard gender norm within relationships. 

Sometimes he’s hot and sometimes he’s cold. But this was your dad too. He played with you and showed you love, but when he was angry he took it out on you. The way your father showed you love will always be imprinted on you. You’re used to the anger as long as it sometimes comes with kindness… so you shrug it off.

During disagreements, he may scream at you, but you brush it off because that’s how your parents always fought. That’s normal you tell yourself. No relationship is perfect, right? 

Maybe after some time you have children, and the situation becomes worse. He‘s escalated to both verbal and physical abuse. But it’s okay that he hits you and puts holes in the walls…. because “at least he’s not hurting the kids.” But that’s not true, is it? 

The kids are still subject to this traumatic situation, just as you once were. That negative relationship normalized abuse, and the cycle will likely continue with your children if you don’t break it. 

Let me blow your mind with some stats…

As the instances of child abuse increase, so does the likeliness to suffer from DV in the future.

More than 1/3 of those abused by a family member as a child were abused by a partner in adulthood.

Office for National Statistics

31% of childhood abuse victims also disclose they were sexually abused as an adult. 

Sad but true. 

As we know, both males and females experience childhood trauma, so the question is, does it have the same effect on them both?

Nope. Don’t get me wrong, it fucks us both up. Childhood trauma isn’t good for anyone, no matter how you slice it. But statistically speaking, of childhood abuse survivors, women are 4x more likely to experience sexual assault after age 16 than male survivors. Additionally, 57% of women survivors go on to experience DV compared to 41% of their male counterparts.

Of childhood abuse survivors people between 16-24 were most likely to have experienced abuse within the past year. Slowly raises hand. The instances of DV within relationships slowly decreases after 24, but are still present.

Okay, this all sounds shitty. As a survivor of childhood abuse, what can I do to prevent myself and/or my children from landing themselves in a violent relationship?

Full Disclosure…

It takes a lot of work and effort to rewire your brain to recognize these “norms” as red flags. If you don’t put in the work, it’s likely you will once again fall into an abusive relationship. I know this, because I did. 

It’s important that we look into our own childhoods, identify patterns and ask ourselves what we can do to break those generational curses. We owe it to our children to not have them be subjected to the same abuse we were — at the hand of our partners or their future partners. 

I think this solidifies the importance of our responsibility as parents to create a healthy environment for our children. We need to be the person that we needed when we were younger. I cannot stress this enough! Nothing less than the best is acceptable. We owe it to ourselves and them to show them what a healthy relationship is like. Be that positive role model we didn’t have. Show them the love and understanding that you weren’t privy to.

I will further dive into this subject in future blogs, but I think it is important to briefly touch on the significance of childhood trauma, so that readers can gain further understanding for my following blogs.

---

Anyways….

As always, follow my blog. New posts will come out every Friday-ish. I’m a momma. Cut me some slack okay. I would love to hear from my readers. Comment below and let me know, is this something you’ve seen in your life? Are you a childhood abuse victim who is concerned with repeating this pattern, or your children repeating it? I’d love to engage in some conversation surrounding this topic.

If you’ve yet to purchase Hollow Company, the best place to currently purchase is Barnes & Noble. At this time it is sold out on Amazon again. I was recently published online, at that drew a significant amount of attention to the book. Apologies for anyone who has been searching for a hard copy.

In the upcoming weeks, I’m hoping to have signed copies available at Barnes & Noble in Elmira, NY and Carrying Card & Gifts in Corning, NY. My books are all print on demand, and they’re not just sitting in a warehouse waiting for your order. Maybe someday I’ll be a rich bitch and can make this happen for you. But today is not the day.