The Key to a Healthy Relationship After Being Abused: Owning Your Shit.

People who know I’m a survivor of abuse often ask me how I was able to move on with life after I left… and I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, shit was hard. Somedays borderline impossible.

In being a victim, I picked up many toxic behaviors. “Jared’s” abuse was HIS fault, but living in a toxic state and carrying on shitty behaviors afterward, that was on me. Accountability and self-awareness is SO important in the journey of healing.

Don’t You Know That I’m Toxic

“Jared” cheating left me bitter for a long time. I was constantly insecure within my relationships, unsure if I was enough to keep my lover around. I felt any woman could be a threat to me.

I was petrified of being alone, and tried like hell to attach myself to anyone who dared to show me attention. And if I felt them pulling away, I would be devistated… but quickly move to the next man who would make me feel like I was worth something. Anything.

I didn’t give myself a millisecond to heal before sprinting into a relationship. I simply did what I always do, acted as if my abuser never existed. But the problem was, he did, and does. I can pretend he’s gone all I want, but the fact is that the trauma I went through rewired me in ways I can’t deny.

I became accustomed to Jared’s cycle of hot and cold emotions. Which caused me to feel smothered if someone showed me constant love and affection. When you’re used to the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, walking on solid ground is weird. It just doesn’t feel normal. So I would sabotage my relationship. By either leaving, ghosting, drinking so much I was unbearable, or doing whatever I knew would ultimately cause my partner to distance himself. Self-sabotage was my specialty.

I had zero healthy coping mechanisms for a while. Drinking alcohol was all I had to help me deal with all the pain and emotions I was left with. Since I never got the police involved, I was never referred to any victims services that would help me with all this. I just did the only thing I knew to do. Drown the memories in an ocean of tequila. After an embarrassing drunken incident, and Lee pleading with me to get sober, there was a 6 month period of sobriety. But after the next of our routine breakups, I quickly spiraled. Like I said, drinking was my only coping skill.

When Jared left I had to relearn how to communicate healthily with others. To not always be on the defense, which was a huge issue for me. I constantly felt like anytime someone tried to address something with me I was under attack. I was so used to being at fault that I knew no different. Communication is the foundation of relationships— and until I fixed this problem, it would always wreck shit.

I often would feel the need to justify actions because I had to explain every minuscule detail of my life down to the minute when I was with Jared. And if my new man didn’t expect this, I almost felt like he didn’t even like me.

Physical affection is definitely a barrier for me. I hate being touched if it’s not on my own terms. When others violate your autonomy over your body, it can cause you to put up a wall. This has certainly caused relationship issues because when I’m in a good place intimacy comes easy, but if I’ve been in my head or triggered by something, I can become very guarded. This is difficult for partners to understand. They’re being punished for things they weren’t responsible for.

Physical touches in general can be problematic for me. I can’t have my wrists grabbed, even in an affectionate way. Certain touches might be ok one day, but the next day will trigger my PTSD. I become really scared to be around someone who I know is mad. And I tend to be very flinchy with people, when they’ve given me zero reason to be.

Being independent in a toxic way was also a struggle. Truthfully, I still struggle with it. I would eat dirt before asking for help. It didn’t matter the struggle or how easily someone else could help me and make it all better. Hell they could even insist on helping, but no… “I have this. I don’t need your help,” was the mentality. This isn’t good because I did need help many times. But after years of not being able to count on someone other than myself… giving another the opportunity not to let me down, was tough.

Autonomy is now of high importance to me. There was a time when I had no control over the day to day happenings of my life; I needed to ask permission for everything. So if my independence is threatened at all, that shit isn’t okay for me. I think this byproduct of trauma is one I don’t mind. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner permission. Allowing them an opportunity to make decisions with you is one thing, but you should have control of yourself and no one else.

PUT IN WERKKKK

So how the hell did I get past all of this? It is ONGOING work. I can’t stress this enough. People think because you leave your abuser poof… everything is rainbows and flowers. Nah. That’s when the real work starts.

My biggest piece of advice is to heal yourself. It can be tempting to jump into a relationship— hell knows I did. But here’s the thing, until you heal your pain, you’re going to create a world of hurt for others. Breaking those toxic patterns that your abuse created is imperative to living a healthy life, and subsequently having a healthy relationship.

I can’t even tell you how much time I spent and Barnes & Noble buying self-help books. And it was time well spent. I bought books on healthy relationships, communication, trauma, red-flags, love languages, and more. We ALL have work to do. None of us have it all figured out.

On top of that I realized I needed to learn new ways to cope. I had no hobbies so I created a few: photography, drawing, macrame, spending time with my son, meditation, cooking, yoga, power walking, venting to friends, and reading. I needed outlets that were healthy outlets. It didn’t matter if I was particularly good at it, as long as I was doing something other than wasting away on a barstool.

I‘m also in therapy and medicated. Depending on life situations, I have been medicated and unmedicated. I can tell you for a fact that meds have saved my life in multiple situations. Therapy is good for ongoing work. Having a neutral party to bounce your shit off? Who doesn’t need that. Keeping that shit pent up isn’t going to help anyone.

Working on my communication has been a big part of keeping a healthy relationship. Taking a moment before I respond to decide if what they said and what I interpreted are different. To decide if there’s a reason to be defensive. To listen for the sake of hearing, not responding. To give myself a moment alone to collect my thoughts if I need it, then come back and address the issue. That it’s okay if I have different opinions, it doesn’t need to be a fight… sometimes agreeing to disagree is okay.

I have learned that with my husband being open and honest has been the most helpful. Saying when you do ___ it makes me feel _____ because of when Jared ______. Others who aren’t part of your trauma aren’t going to understand why you’re acting a certain way unless you tell them. Don’t expect anyone to just know.

Bottom line is YOU are responsible for your healing. The good part is, after being in an abusive relationship, you have no where to go but up! You can be who you always wanted to be. No one can hold you back other than yourself!

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