Many times when you overhear people talking about domestic violence, they ask why the victim didn’t leave. Honestly, I think many times it’s because the system isn’t set up to help.
Sure, you can call the police, and my suggestion is you do. Officers have to document any call they go out on, even if there isn’t an arrest. Having a paper trail is critical. If there isn’t one, and you finally gain courage to leave, and request an order of protection… you may be up shits creek without a paddle. Most agencies won’t provide one without proof of DV incidents.
Calling the cops might just save you or your children’s lives. I encourage you to press charges if the incident was one that would illicit a charge.
Sadly you might have to ASK; officers might not even tell you it’s an option. Wait, what?? I don’t know if this is due to the lack of victims who agree to charges, blatant stupidity, or because officers are likely to be abusers too … but it happens.
Just this week I know a victim who called 911 during a domestic her children were present for. 6 officers responded, the aggressor wasn’t arrested/charged, and they told her she had to go to family court for an order of protection. All they did was make sure he left the residence. Very aggravating.
WELL… the victim was going over the police documents and the officers wrote that he could’ve been charged with Harrassment 2nd, but VICTIM DECLINED charges. They neither asked nor explained that she could.
So what does one do in this situation? Raise hell. Advocate for yourself. Call the barracks and demand an officer come get a statement. If the perpetrator is charged, the officers can then provide a criminal order of protection. Make several copies of the order and always carry it on you. Make your work, and neighbors aware of this order too.
If children were present for the domestic, police are SUPPOSED to make a report to child protective services. Does this always happen? Ehh. They’re mandated reporters though. If you’re the victim of an incident in front of children, whether the police were or weren’t involved, you can always report the incident to CPS as well. In NYS the child abuse hotline is 1 (800) 342-3720. If you’re out of state click HERE to find out the number of the child abuse hotline in your state. Reporters are confidential, but you may remain anonymous too.
What benefit does this have? The department will investigate the incident and the abuser might be indicated for abuse or neglect. All of this paper trail can be used in family court! Your caseworker will also can help you connect you with many resources (often free). Resources include but aren’t limited to: domestic violence shelters, domestic violence advocates that can assist in legal matters, order of protections, trauma counseling for adults and children, child support, child care, and financial assistance.
Family court can also order a 1034 which means they will have CPS do a full evaluation of both parents ability to care for their children, and report their findings back to family court, so the judge can make a custody decision. If CPS is aware of domestic violence at the hands of your partner, they will report this, as well as any steps you’ve made to protect the kids (order of protection, therapy, etc.)
Family court can do a slew of things. If children are involved, requesting a “stay away order” might be a good idea. Depending on the situation, it may or may not be granted… but always worth a try if their safety is at stake. CPS can also file a Neglect or Abuse case in court on the abuser, and ask for court mandated services (anger management/DV classes/therapy/drug and alcohol treatment), request supervised visitation, or situation dependent, may terminate their parental rights.
What if you’re not ready to call the cops, but want to build a case for when you do leave? Document everything… just do it in a safe way that they won’t know about.
You could create a burner email… take pictures of any injuries or bruising. Document what was said, when it was said, and screenshots of discussions. Anytime they do something, harm, or threaten to harm you or your child. Write these up in emails to yourself. This should also include any threats against your friend’s, family’s, or children’s safety if you leave or talk about the abuse. Send these emails to your “burner account” and delete them from your device/email sent box. Monitoring electronics is very common in abusive relationships, so tread carefully. They might be monitoring your devices without your awareness.
Doing the above will provide you a record for later on, with photos, statements, and time stamps of what occurred.
Most areas have services to assist domestic violence victims. I highlighted some of these services above, but there are a lot out there! There are advocates who can help you with all the legal shit including filing paperwork and going to court. They also have shelters that are highly secure and in a secret location. Many victims fear leaving as they have no where to go. The shelter is there for you! They also have services that will assist DV victims in paying their rent.
Counseling is a biggggg part of the puzzle in my opinion. I am a huge advocate for this. You might not realized how traumatized you are right now… but chances are you will eventually. As will your kids. Trauma counseling is key!
There are also DV classes, anger management classes, and positive parenting classes. Self work, whether the abused or the abuser is so important.
What barriers might you run into?
I wish I could say that there is a 1 size fits all key to leaving an abusive relationship, but depending on where you’re from, and what resources are available… what works for one might not work for another.
Police response: It can’t always be counted on. There is a stigma that victims will stay with their abusers no matter what. If an officer has come before for a domestic, they might not take the call seriously. Also, police offer families experience higher rates of DV than non police officer families. They call this Officer Involved Domestic Violence, or OIDM. Studies show at least 40% of police families experience DV compared to 10% non-police families. Learn more about that here.
So knowing the above, I am NOT surprised that the response to DV isnt always appropriate.
Shelters: shelters are often at hidden locations, and come with various rules for staying. Often times shelters do not accept male victims. Some of the rules/restrictions might not make this the best choice.
Apartment rentals: some states allow landlords to kick you out for having police responsd to the property. Others will allow you to break your lease if it’s due to an abusive situation. Landlords who do background checks might see you’ve had past issues with DV in relationships and be reluctant to rent to you.
Court: if you don’t have proper documents, or maybe aren’t addressing your trauma via counseling, it might not go in your favor. Abusers are very manipulative, and judges aren’t immune to their charms. The court might issue an order of protection on your behalf, but if your abuser can’t be located to serve it, it doesn’t do any good.
Transportation: your abuser might have isolated you. Maybe you never got your license because having the control over your movement was important for them. Or maybe you live in the country and they took the only vehicle.
Monitoring: abusers are controlling in so many different ways. They put cameras up all over the house. They check your GPS location. They check what websites you’re going to, who you’re communicating with, and what you’re saying. Some have your messages sent to their phone. Some have shared your location with themselves without your consent/knowledge.
Make sure that anything that has a password, you change. Start with your email password first as any password changes will go to it. Be strategic.
If you feel you might be being abused, but are unsure of what the signs are, here’s a brief overview. See previous blogs for more!
If you’re running into any issues with the above, please reach out to me and I will assist you where I am able. My contact info is under the “contact Jessica” tab.
Additionally, don’t forget about my virtual book reading this Thursday from noon-1:30pm. Here is a link to the Facebook event with all the details https://fb.me/e/AC026kP9 Don’t forget your click “interested/going” to receive any updates. Can’t wait to read to you all and talk!
Buy Hollow Company at Barnes & Noble or Amazon!
Hollow Company: A Memoir of Survival 