Who Am I When You’re Not Looking?

No… really though?

Yesterday I did my first book reading for Hollow Company. It was an experience of a lifetime. Toward the end of the book reading, I talked about my own journey of healing, and provided advice for other victims who might be struggling with the aftermath of their breakup currently, or soon will be in the future.

There’s this weird misunderstanding that when someone leaves their abuser it’s all rainbows and sunshine, and shit is suddenly all good for the victim. I wish that were the truth. Unfortunately, that’s where the real work begins. A few blogs ago I wrote about a similar topic, but I really want to focus on some of the pieces I haven’t covered yet.

It’s tough because when you go through a breakup, there’s often a mourning period that occurs. But when you’re in an abusive relationship, others have the unrealistic expectation that you should mourn in silence. It’s embarrassing to grieve a relationship like that, and people will shame you for it. Don’t get me wrong, we know we are better off with them gone… But that doesn’t mean that separating is easy for us.

In leaving our abusers, we leave behind a version of ourselves. They tend to strip us of our identities, and mold us into the people THEY want us to be. So when shit hits the fan, we’re left in a weird place. We can’t remember what parts of us are us, and what parts are them. There’s a high level of self-hatred when it comes to this. How did we let our abusers change us so drastically?

For example, when I first met Jared I was an enthusiastic, joyful, and witty person. I’ve always been extremely sarcastic; most people that’ve met me will tell you that much. When I first met him, we would banter back and forth with ease, and I felt I could truly be myself with him. It wasn’t until I was with him for a bit, and had already “fallen in deep” that my humor started to slip away. With every “That’s not funny” or “Are you stupid?” I began to bury it deep inside me.

I can vividly recall a time that a childhood friend tagged me in a post that said “tag your funniest friend.” Jared showed me and said, “what’s this about? You’re probably the least funny person I know. I don’t think you’ve ever even made me laugh.” I just sat there dead silent, with a lightbulb going off in my head. He was right. I wasn’t funny anymore. All thanks to his stupid ass.

So where am I going with this tangent? Advice #1 of course.

Individuality

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you lose yourself. Now that you’re not, it’s time for you to take back the power. Ask yourself, what parts of you are truly you, and what parts are them? Throw all that extra shit to the curb, whittle yourself down to your bones if you have to. Strip yourself until you’re fully your true authentic self. Take a good, looooong look in the mirror. And give yourself a hug. I know you missed that reflection.

“But Jess, I don’t know what parts of me are me anymore.” Yes you do!!! Think. Before that fucklord came around, how would others describe you? Did you often go out of your way to do kind things for others? Maybe you were that sporty person? Or you enjoyed debating with others about topics you were passionate about. Maybe you read 30 books a year. Or maybe you made sure to always have your nails done. All these things, big and small, equal YOU. Find them. Swim around in them until they’ve marinated your soul again.

The most important part is to remember that your personality, and your authenticity is up to no one but yourself. You can reinvent yourself every damn day if that’s what you want. That’s the beauty of life. But the point is, that it’s YOU making those changes, and you’re not doing it at the direction of. Remember, YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW.

Autonomy

Oooof. Let me tell ya, it was like a brick to the face the first day that I left Jared. Realizing I had all these choices to make in life, and I’d been making decisions for years on autopilot. I never put thought into what I wanted, it was always… well this is what Jared would want, so that’s what I’m going to do. It’s the safe choice.

A friend called me up and said, “Jess, come to this concert with me!” and I was “Noooo. I can’t go. But thanks for the invite.” But then I thought….. wait a second.… I can? I can really go with my friend? I can go have fun? And I don’t have to ask permission? What kind of sorcery is this?! I know some are making a poo face right now like, ew she actually asked permission. Oh yeah, you bet I did. If I didn’t, I could’ve paid with my life.

But the point is, now you have ALL the choices. What are some things that your abuser prevented you from doing? What are your unfulfilled dreams. Sit down, and talk to your 18 year old self. Where did they hope they’d be by now? These goals are probably still achievable, so don’t you dare sell yourself short! Maybe your abuser prevented you from getting your license, building your savings, going to college, traveling, working, volunteering, cutting your hair off, wearing that hot ass bikini, wearing makeup, hanging out with your boys. Whatever it is, do it all. DO ALL THE THINGS.

You can make your life as fun or as mundane as you want it to. But the important thing is that your life is comprised of YOUR wants. You want short hair? You want to pierce your titties? You want to wear a bold red lip everyday? You want to join a Fantasy Football League? You want to start an Only Fans? LIVE. YOUR. BEST. LIFE. You wasted so much time being obedient. Do something for yourself; don’t you dare waste another moment.

Accountability

I already discussed this in length in a previous blog, so I’m not going to tell a never-ending-story here. But while you are a victim, you can only be one for so long before you turn into the villain in someone else’s story. What do I mean by this? The difference between a victim and a survivor is, a survivor has owned their shit. They’ve done the work.

Through my healing process, every time that I’ve wanted to give up working on myself, I’ve reminded myself that “hurt people hurt people.” If you don’t heal those gaping wounds, you will undoubtedly create havoc in other’s lives. You’ll be unable to carry on a relationship or friendship in a healthy way because that pain you hold will escape and be thrown on others.

So those toxic behaviors that you once learned to protect yourself, need to be recognized, and actively changed. Maybe you’re suspicious because they cheated on you. This doesn’t give you a right to snoop through your new partners phone. Maybe your previous partner often went to places they shouldn’t have, and lied saying they were somewhere innocent. This doesn’t give you a right to ask your next partner to “prove” to you that they’re somewhere by sending you a photo of them at the said location. Maybe your ex would fucked every girl who he hung out with. That doesn’t mean that you should forbid your new partner to have friend’s of the opposite sex. We cannot punish people for the harm others have done.

You see where I’m going with this? This kind of questioning or behavior might have worked in our old, toxic relationships, but they serve no purpose in our new ones. In fact, these behaviors are actually abusive themselves. Being a victim does not give you a free pass to abuse others.

Establish Safety

Physical, mental, and emotional. All of it. You need to be safe. Change every password from the outside in. Your wifi. Your locks. Your garage. Your email. Your phone provider’s password. Every password change that goes to your email: websites, social media, applications. Everything.

Reset all routers and camera’s, including security.

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. I’M SERIOUS.

Take a self-defense class. Nothing makes you feel more safe than knowing how to flip a grown ass man .5 seconds. Get a taser. Get a gun. Get pepper spray. You do what you need to do to feel safe.

Get video doorbells or cameras. You deserve to feel secure in this way. It has helped me a great deal. Just knowing I always can see what/who’s coming at all times, from all angles. Not that I’m always watching like a weirdo. But that safety net of it being there helps the paranoia.

Get an order of protection. Let other’s know what they’ve done. You’ll empower yourself once you realize more people are on your side. Let your neighbors and coworkers know your ex isn’t allowed around. Knowing you’re not the only one who knows your “dirty little secret” is such a relief.

Self-Awareness

Look at yourself with a magnifying glass. Really pick yourself apart. I think it goes without saying that most people who have experienced abuse will have some level of PTSD. PTSD can be triggered by many things. Depending on your experiences, your triggers might be very different from mine.

When you start to have a panic attack because something has triggered you, try to identify what it was that caused it. Sometimes it might have been nothing, but often if you look closely, you will find something. It might be miniscule to others, but big to you. There’s nothing wrong with that!

Recognizing these triggers will give you a sense of control over them. Say loud noises give you panic attacks. If you see people starting to yell at each other, or the volume being too high in a room, you can remove yourself from the situation before it becomes an issue. You can also make your new partner aware of your triggers, which will allow them the opportunity to avoid activating them. If they’re not receptive to it, ditch them because that’s cunt behavior, and we aren’t in the business of dealing with those people anymore. K?

My personal tip for dealing with PTSD/Panic attacks: A good way for me to handle a trigger induced panic attack is to ground myself. I do this by taking a moment and finding something for each sense. I might rub the cotton on the inside of my hoodie, focusing on the individual threads, for “touch.” I’ll fixate on a pretty poster on the wall for “sight,” taking in each color. I’ll take a deep breath and indulge in the scent of my food for “smell.” I’ll then slowly eat a bite focusing on all the different flavors for “taste.” Allowing yourself a moment to focus on a few other things besides your trigger and your panic can be really helpful.

Coping Mechanisms

I also addressed this in a previous blog, but we MUST learn to get our feelings out in a healthy way. Many of us just want to suppress what happened to us. To just forget it entirely and move on. In MOST cases, this is going to be impossible, or… those feelings will work themselves back into your life when you really don’t want them to. Take it from me, the master avoider.

Alcohol numbed me and kept the monster at bay. But the problem is, since I didn’t have an outlet to get it OUT of me, the anger, resentment, and a 1,000 other bad feelings ate at me and eventually exploded. Don’t be me. Don’t wait years to deal with your shit. Do it now. Do it daily.

For me I enjoy cooking, painting, drawing, writing, reading, meditation, etc. There’s an endless amount of hobbies I enjoy now. I can use these things as an outlet for my feelings, and it’s been really helpful.

I’m also a big advocate for journaling. Whether it’s an app on your phone, a nice notebook, or just scrap pieces of paper. Get those feelings out. The good or bad. Have you ever told someone a secret and felt a weight be lifted off your shoulders? It’s the same idea. Getting it out of you feels so.fucking.good. My personal favorite thing to do is to write a letter to my abuser, or others who have wronged me. I say all the things. All the bad things. I really let them have it. Then, I burn it. It’s cathartic.

Recognize Your Needs

I know, you spent an eternity focusing on someone else’s, that you forgot yours even mattered. But they do. Sit down and think about all the ways that your exes didn’t fulfill your needs. Decide on a hard list of needs in a partner.

My needs were: 1) Positive energy 2) Wants kids 3) Assertive, but not aggressive 4) NO abusive past 5) Accepting of others 6) Driven 7) Adventurous 8) Encouraging 9) Gentle 10) Kind.

I had a 7 month rule. If at 7 months in my partner wasn’t showing all the above, no matter how well our relationship was going, I dipped. Because these are non-negotiables for me. I had a partner who met all the above but didn’t want children. Non-negotiable. Breakups don’t have to mean that the other person is a piece of shit. Not every good person is going to be the one for you. Learn to be comfortable with that. You’re probably wondering if my husband fits the list. You bet your ass he does!

Know your non-negotiables. Know your worth. And don’t you dare EVER settle for less again. If someone expresses they can’t meet one of your non-negotiables. Get out. Right now. Don’t expect more from people than they’re willing to give.

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If you made it this far, congratulations, and I hope you learned something. Here’s another piece of information for you….

I’m having my first book signing on April 10th! YOU MUST PREREGISTER FOR THIS EVENT. See fliers below:

Note: if you’re coming to the pop-up to get Hollow Company signed/purchase a book/meet me… you MUST pre-register. I’ll be at the Saturday pop-up, not both days. BUT, these vendors are AMAZING and you should come through. These events fill up fast. So if you want in, reserve a spot now! If you don’t you won’t be permitted into the pop-up. It’s very exclusive!

Click here to pre-register: Give me my spot!